LYHG Ep 07 | Adoption: A Bittersweet Journey

It is National Adoption Month!

Listen in as Allison shares a personal view of how she was led to adopt. She opens up her heart and shares how she has changed as a result of adoption, and how her family grew in ways she never imagined.

If you have ever considered adoption or foster care there are resources that you can visit to learn more about how you can help make a difference in the lives of children in your area.

For those in Utah:

Utah Foster Care is a non-profit that was created in 1999 by Governor Michael Leavitt and the Utah Legislature. Their role is to find, educate, and support Utah families, who are willing and able to provide a nurturing homes for children in foster care. The services they provide support the more than 2,100 children who are part of the foster care system in the State of Utah at any given time because their own families are in crisis.

Utah’s Adoption Connection works with Utah’s Division of Child & Family Services (DCFS) to feature children who are in the custody of the state of Utah and are currently in foster care waiting for adoption.

Raise the Future was founded in 1983 to implement services that reduce the amount of time youth in foster care live without a permanent family.

Wednesday’s Child Wednesday’s Child is a cooperative effort between KSL and Raise The Future highlighting foster children looking for permanent homes.

For those in other area’s of the United States:

AdoptUSKids is a national project that supports child welfare systems and connects children in foster care with families.

Note: Transcripts are automatically generated and therefore might occasionally have errors.

Happy November friends.

0:20
I’m so glad to have you here with me.

This month is National adoption month.

And this particular month is a little special for me because I’m an adoptive parent.

I have been a foster parent for the state of Utah for just over nine years now, and I was able to adopt two beautiful daughters from the foster care system.

0:43
So, adoption has a special place in my heart as it.

A big part of the story of how my family came to be.

So this month is when I get to reflect on that story, I get to share it.

I get to tell others about adoption.

1:02
But I also get to listen to other people’s stories.

And learn.

From their experiences.

And to see how adoption is different for every person that’s involved in it.

Many people look at adoption as a new beginning.

1:22
Or a happy ending.

I’ve learned that adoption.

Isn’t simply a beginning or an ending.

It’s a Bittersweet stepping stone on a journey that impacts many people not simply just the child.

1:44
In today’s episode, I would like to share my story of adoption.

What led me to consider adoption, what led me to foster care, what my goals were.

How my viewpoints changed as I had my first placement.

2:04
The many people that are impacted by adoption.

Why adoption is needed.

And what can each of us do be a part of that story?

Let’s go back.

Where adoption first?

2:24
Came into my life.

I was in my early 20s now 19, 20 years old.

And I was given a special impression.

Where I knew.

That adoption was going to be a part of my family story.

2:44
Impression.

Didn’t really leave me with any specifics.

And actually, what I had imagined. adoption would be like, Wasn’t even close to the impression I had, but I believe that that impression wasn’t important.

3:07
Part of this journey because it’s what prepared my heart.

When the time came to start my job in Journey, I already knew it was something I was supposed to do so it was easy.

To say, yes.

3:25
When it started to feel, right.

Fast forward about 15 years.

So there was this one Saturday in the summer 2013, my mom and I met up to go to a water class at the local Rec Center.

3:47
When we were driving, my mom made a comment and said I had a dream about you last night and I kind of laughed and said, oh yeah, what was that about feel as well?

I finally got you to clean up that spare bedroom of mine.

You adopted a baby I laughed at that because one that spare bedroom was pretty bad and too.

4:08
Because I pushed away the hope the end desires of having children.

I was in my mid thirties and I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And in my faith, family is the core principle of our belief system.

4:27
Families are why we are here.

Those relationships are something that continues Beyond this life, and into the eternities.

And I had not had that opportunity of finding someone to share that life with.

4:43
And so, the idea of marriage and family We’re almost painful. and so, I decided to kind of just brush it off as much as I could and I said, oh yeah, well, who’s going to take care of this baby as mom’s going to work?

5:01
And she’s like well Grandma did does retire and I was like what you want to do day care for this child?

And she’s like yeah.

Like I’d be available to that was like okay well whatever and just kind of push the idea out of my mind.

5:18
We went to our class and went about our day, but the thought wouldn’t leave me.

And so early the next week I got online and I started to research adoption and I found out that it was very, very expensive that the average at that time was about forty thousand dollars.

5:40
And I just, I knew there was no way that financially I could.

I could do that, I couldn’t do that.

And so again I tried to push the thought out of my mind.

But it wouldn’t go away.

5:56
So I sent a message to two of my friends who I knew had adopted.

One of them replied told me her story, and I had also asked about how they made the financial responsibility work out and so she told me like their situation and then she went on to say, have you ever considered foster care?

6:18
There’s so many children in our state who need a loving home, and if it leads to adoption the state helps cover the cops, I wasn’t sure that that was for me.

I didn’t know what ton about adoption, but what I did know, I hadn’t heard like many good things.

6:40
But again the thought wouldn’t leave me.

So I ended up being led to a website Utah, foster care dot-org Utah foster care is a local nonprofit that was created with the purpose of helping, do train recruit and help foster parents in the state of Utah.

7:04
Be successful.

I read everything I could and I still had questions.

So I fill out the form asking for someone to contact me.

It’s very nice woman reached out to me and I made it very clear that I wasn’t ready to be pushed but I did have some questions and they wanted to go slow.

7:26
He was very respectful.

And the very first question I had was, is this even possible as a single parent?

Be assured me that they had had multiple single parents before they had been very successful.

7:43
She went on to share that the things that would help like having a good support system and and things of that nature.

And The more I thought about it the more questions that she answered.

I eventually felt like it was right, who learn more.

8:01
So I invited her over and we did a sit-down discussion at my home.

And talked about all the different things related to.

What it would take for me to become a foster parent.

She told me that her single parents, it usually took about six months to go through the licensing process and getting approved because there were a set of pre-service classes that needed to be taken.

8:27
There was background checks and home studies and paperwork that all had to be done, The entire process took me one month.

From the day I started.

8:42
The day.

I finished was almost exactly one month.

I I completed everything.

By Halloween of that year.

Everything just kind of fell into place like everything.

Just kind of fit was like a puzzle that just molded into each other.

9:02
And by Thanksgiving, I was waiting for my first placement.

My RFC, which is a resource family consultant came over and they’re kind of like a foster there a case worker, but the Foster family, they help you determine.

9:23
What kind of criteria you want to be considered for they help you.

Get access to anything that you might need.

When you have questions, they have their very important job.

And so, we sat down and decided what it was that I was willing to be considered for in a placement.

9:46
I could choose gender, ethnicity age, other types of demographics, than health issues, and mental health related.

I tried to leave myself pretty open, but I also want to do very honest about what I could handle as a single working mom.

10:04
So my age range was from newborn of years, old, male or female.

And I decide to start with one child because I wasn’t sure what I couldn’t go and I didn’t want to overdo, I not going to say patiently, waited because I think it’s hard to be patient when you’re excited and terrified in all of those feelings, wrapped up in one.

10:32
But I got my first placement call in January of 2014 of a nine-year-old boy and when you get that placement call from the coordinator you, they really have very limited information to give you.

They only know what, the CPS worker has told them.

10:52
And that’s the child, protective services who has made the decision to remove the child from the home.

So you might know the reason for removal, there might be some basic things.

Like I knew that he had diagnosed been diagnosed with ADHD but was being on treated and that there was some physical abuse, that’s all I knew.

11:17
And I, of course was like, yes, let’s do this.

So they arranged with me to go and pick him up from the local shelters called the Christmas Box, House that evening.

So I met the CPS worker there and this little boy who Game with almost nothing.

11:39
He had on jeans and a long sleeve shirt.

He had and shoes with holes in the bottom, in the middle of January, and he had a coat.

And a blanket.

He had gone from the shelter that is all he had.

That boy means the world to me, even now 9 years later, he’s the first person that ever called me, Mom, I will never forget that moment I was sitting in Target, bopping with him to get something and he turned and called me Mom, after a couple of days, And I felt like time kind of just stopped as I heard those words applied to me.

12:20
Now, I’m sure you’ve all been in a store and heard a yell at Mom or hey, Mom Mom. but in that moment, there was nothing better.

He gave me my first drawing.

12:40
That was that’s how I love you, Mom.

He made me things out of Legos.

He got excited to see me when I picked him up from school.

And while all those things happen, and they were amazing.

12:59
He opened my eyes to the pain of trauma and the anguish that he held from the abuse that he had gone through.

His Pace taught me. about compassion empathy for family that they these kids come from.

13:24
That their biological parents, love them, even if they’re not always the safest of options and how much these children love their biological parents.

13:44
He was with me for four months.

And saying goodbye was extremely painful.

And after he left, I wasn’t sure I could do this again.

I wasn’t sure I was enough.

14:02
I wasn’t sure that I had the power to say goodbye to love that much and Say Goodbye.

I actually had someone once told me.

If it’s easy to say goodbye, then you’re not doing it, right?

14:19
And I do believe that these children deserve all that love as I was trying to decide how to go forward.

I decided that I wanted to talk with my mom about it do as my daycare, as she had predicted, And she’s also the other person that spent the most time.

14:37
With the children in my home.

And she also knew my thoughts and fears and feelings better than probably anyone at that time and she gave me advice.

That literally would change my life and still does even today.

14:55
She told me, she didn’t think I should give up.

He said you don’t know what child is out there waiting for you.

There might be a child that needs you.

That hasn’t even been born yet.

And that just resonated with me.

And then she went on to say, Allison, do not let your fears be bigger than your faith.

15:16
I believe you can do this.

And it gave me the courage.

Boo.

The decide that there was a reason that I had decided to become a foster parent.

And so I called my RFC up and I told her what I wanted to immediately be considered again and though she verified the criteria if I was still open for infants up to 12 inch and I agreed Little did I know?

15:47
That my next placement was born, two days later.

My mom was right, the child, that was supposed to be a part of my life that I was supposed to have in my home hadn’t been born yet.

And that little girl, they’ll calls me Mom and here’s one of the greatest blessings of my life.

16:11
When they called me about her.

She was about 20, after three weeks old, I’ve been born, it’s supposed to, I’m a mix of illegal drugs.

And the plan was to have her removed from her parents and and worked for reunification.

16:28
Unfortunately.

When people are using drugs such as heroin and meth, they are not always making the best of decisions because the drugs take over and Cloud judgment.

16:46
And in a desire to protect themselves and the baby, they snuck her out of the hospital and hid from the cops.

But after a week of them trying to locate this child, they told me that I could still be considered, but they didn’t know what was going to happen.

17:06
All I knew was this baby’s first name.

And so I prayed for that little girl.

And I can honestly say, I’ve never laid eyes on her yet, but I loved her so much.

Eventually, I stopped waiting for the phone to ring.

17:26
I guess I just didn’t want to have my hopes dashed.

I thought about her all the time.

Three weeks.

After that initial call, I got another phone call from the placement coordinator.

I thought she probably was going to tell me about another child that might need a home.

17:45
Boy, was, I pleasantly surprised when she simply said they found her.

Do you still want her?

Of course.

I said.

Yes.

Heck inside of me.

I was bringing yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But she gave me the number for the caseworker.

18:05
And a couple hours later, the case worker showed up with his beautiful, little girl with the whitest blond hair so white, you can barely see it.

It was my knee and asleep is wrapped in this pink polka-dotted blanket and when they later in my arm, It was so.

18:29
I knew immediately that I wanted her to be mine.

That moment was so special.

I was so overwhelmed by all the emotions that I felt I was ecstatic.

I was scared, I was thrilled.

18:45
I was terrified and I quickly learned that I had no idea what I was doing.

And the thing is, I think every new mom, those, that way, they lay this beautiful hush child in your arms, and then you realize that it’s up to you take care of it, keep it alive and make sure that they were protected from anything and everything. instead of sharing all the crazy things that I did those first few days, Let’s talk about some of the things that most of you probably haven’t gotten through the first one, is the fact that there is another person out there who loves that child just as much as you do.

19:30
In my case, it was a 19 year old girl and honestly the two of us couldn’t have been more different.

I felt like we had nothing in common.

Besides this little baby about a week and a half after This baby came to live with me, we had what was called a team meeting, which is a meeting between the Foster family, the biological family, the caseworkers, the RFC, everybody that’s involved.

20:01
That is there to help this family figure out how they want to go forward.

Throughout the entire meeting.

I was scared of mom.

It kind of felt like a threat to me.

20:20
And looking back, it seems like such a foolish feeling.

It was Defensive.

Which looking back.

I understand it.

I was standing between her and her daughter.

20:39
When the meeting was over, it was allowed to visit with the baby for the next hour.

So I stayed and talked with the caseworker and and make plans for the next few weeks.

When the visit ended, mom came out and handed me the baby and I gave her a picture that I had taken the week previously ever.

21:04
I looked her in the eye and said, Don’t worry about her.

I’ll make sure she’s okay.

Use this time to take care of you right now.

Because he had some big steps that she had to take in order to get this beautiful baby back. mom looked at me and said, I feel better now that I’ve met you.

21:30
I didn’t realize that would be the last time I see her during our case, the eventually stopped showing up for visits.

And at the next hearing didn’t show up at Court, the judge rescheduled but then she didn’t show up at that one, either the judge took away rights of services, which is where the state offers, recovered treatments, or whatever was needed to help them overcome, the challenges that were keeping the child out of the home.

21:59
But now it was her Possibility.

But, she didn’t even follow through on any of that either.

Eventually, the judge made the decision to terminate parental rights.

If I’m honest, I was thrilled.

I was ecstatic to finally be able to become the official mother of this beautiful little girl.

22:18
And while I did Rejoice on adoption day, I didn’t realize at that time.

Exactly what that meant.

As my daughter grew, other children came into my home. those cases were different because I started to learn to have compassion on the biological family in the situations that they were in.

22:48
The Situation’s weren’t black and white anymore.

There was a lot of Gray.

And some of the children were able to return home.

Others moved on to other family members.

23:06
But everything changed with my sixth basement.

I received a phone call that my daughter now was three years old.

Had a baby sister that had just been born.

23:23
And this little girl had also been born addicted who to drugs and they wanted to bring her into care.

The difference in this case is that once a parent as their parental rights terminated, the state will often immediately open a case with any new child and oftentimes reunification and services aren’t offered.

23:54
And that’s what?

The caseworkers thought would happen.

But things didn’t go the way that they thought it would.

The judge didn’t remember everything about this case.

And they offered the mom opportunity to go through treatment.

24:17
I was scared.

What did this mean?

All I wanted was these two little girls who already were showing so much love to each other.

To have that opportunity to be together.

Within a week mom was in treatment and we had our first meeting this time.

24:41
It was different though.

We had to do it over the phone because she was in the part of treatment where she was going through the withdrawal process.

And so they were not allowed visit then outside interaction.

Though we did the whole thing over the phone.

24:58
And I remember, when she first talked to me on that meeting, she said, are they together I said, yeah, they are.

And she goes, then I’m not worried.

And that moment my heart just leapt in my chest.

25:20
As I remembered, that young girl, who was a little older, obviously, as my daughter was now three, As they went through her situation and talked about the ports and different things, I realized.

25:37
Didn’t really have a lot of support because her family had been burned by others who had also gone down the similar path.

They loved her, but they couldn’t be a part of it.

That stayed with me.

25:57
It bothered me a lot actually, and I remember making the decision.

That for the benefit of my daughter.

I needed to do everything in my power to help her.

And that was scary.

26:15
I was terrified at the idea.

I questioned my sanity a few times.

But I now know that that was a prompting from Heavenly Father.

I talked with a caseworker who agreed with what I was about to offer.

26:42
And bio mom, and I sat and talked one day.

And I offered to be her support as she tried to overcome her addictions.

She told me that she wasn’t even sure she could do it. it wasn’t sure she could be a mom, even I said, well, I think you owe it to yourself and to this little girl to find out.

27:15
That little girl stayed with me for about two and a half months and then transitioned into treatment to be with Mom.

That was hard.

It was hard to hand her over and I started to sob.

But in such a short time, I come to love your mom.

27:39
We both loved both girls.

I kept wondering if she’d mess up.

Part of me wanted her to do.

But a bigger part wanted her to succeed.

28:01
And succeed, she did.

He finished treatment went to day treatment.

About her own place.

Eventually graduated brookport, it wasn’t always easy.

28:18
There were bumps in the road.

But I came to truly love that woman.

There’s a lot more to our story.

Which I’ll share again or share with you at another time.

28:41
But here’s what I’ve learned.

In order for me to have my beautiful daughter, someone else had to give up something something pretty major.

29:01
And even though my daughter was a tiny baby.

I still see the ramifications of that loss on her.

I don’t even think she realizes it but I see it in her relationships and the way she interacts with people including myself she doesn’t trust easily and it takes a lot for her to decide to give you a hug.

29:25
Oh yes.

Children are resilient but the loss of her first family. is a permanent scar that she’ll carry with her for the rest of her life one that she doesn’t remember getting I continue to foster care.

29:45
Another little baby girl came into my life in the form of my 8th placement.

Like my daughter, she was Tiny.

He’d been born exposed to a combination of drugs, a different Seth.

In my other daughter had But that’s where the similarities ended.

30:05
Basically, these two could have not been more different Well.

My now, four-year-old had white blond hair, and big blue eyes and pale pale skin.

This one had a light brown complexion with a head, full of thick.

30:26
Black hair that stuck straight up on her head.

And the largest Cocoa Brown Eyes you’ve ever seen.

My four-year-old was so excited to be a sister. and, I loved watching them together.

30:52
When I first met her.

I felt something I had not felt since I’d first met my older daughter.

Something told me that this child was meant to be mine.

31:11
This case was completely different than the other one.

In the first case, mom had just stopped showing up for everything, this time.

Mom and Dad were at every visit But that was it.

31:30
They had support.

But they weren’t following through on anything else. and so, this case extended out, Do the full course of a year.

31:48
With the smallest steps being done.

I was scared for this little girl.

Well, I knew that her parents loved her.

I knew that they weren’t ready, provide a safe home for her.

32:11
There was a lot of denial, which badly comes with addiction. and in this case, I knew a whole lot more than I had before because I’d seen all the different things.

32:30
In my other cases.

None of the specifics in this particular case, really matter.

But eventually, the parents relinquish their rights.

32:52
Because they knew that the they were out of time.

I will never forget the day. that they made that decision as I stood outside the courtroom and they open those doors and Mom and I looked at each other in the face and she started to stop And she said, please take care of her make sure she’s okay.

33:23
And we hugged each other.

And while I was grateful, That this beautiful little girl was going to be safe.

And then I got to watch her grow.

33:41
I agreed so much that day. a grief that I had never really felt or understood before I did try to keep in touch.

With her mom and dad.

33:58
And we have a beautiful relationship with her grandparents and great-grandparents and some other family members.

But this story didn’t end the same way as my other daughters.

Unfortunately, bio mom lost her battle with addiction.

34:22
As she left this life.

Her funeral was held exactly 18 months the day of the last time he had seen our daughter.

Dad had been making a lot of progress and I was so proud of him.

34:40
But this loss of his partner.

Themes have been too much.

I don’t know where he is right now.

And I pray for him regularly and I think about him.

34:58
The remember how I said that adoption?

Isn’t necessarily A New Beginning.

And it’s not a happy ending either.

It is simply a Bittersweet stepping down.

35:19
On a journey.

Both of these girls that I get to call mine.

Who everyday called me, Mom?

Had to go through the loss.

Of their first families.

35:38
That loss will forever be with them.

It will forever impact.

The biological parents and the others and that family that loved them, including their siblings. and even for me, Who had everything to gain.

36:02
I feel that loss.

I feel the trauma.

That adoption brings.

Oh yes.

I am so grateful for adoption, and the part that it plays.

And the growth of my family.

36:22
But I’m not the same person.

I was when I started my journey with adoption.

I’ve learned that adoption allows families to grow.

But our families grow with more than just a child.

36:43
Our family through.

With the addition.

Of other parents, grandparents.

Great.

Grandparents, Aunts Uncles.

Siblings.

37:02
My big beautiful blended family is not what I ever could have imagined.

But adoption.

Is blessed my life in ways.

That I could have never understood.

37:24
Nine years ago.

I’m grateful.

Please other people who love my children.

I’m grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned.

That have opened my heart and home.

The people, I never could have imagined, I’m grateful to the other Foster and adoptive families.

37:45
That I’ve gone on this journey with who we have supported each other through the ups and downs of what adoption is But as a piece of our story with adoption and Foster Care, adoption is not the same for every family and every child.

38:04
This National adoption month, I would like to encourage you.

If you’ve ever considered adoption, Or becoming a foster parent to take the time to learn more and find out.

If this was something you were meant to do.

38:22
If you live in the state of Utah, go to Utah, foster care dot-org, there are Specialists who are there to answer your questions and to provide you with everything, you would need to know.

If you live outside of your Tha there are other resources throughout the nation to help you.

38:41
You can visit adopt U.s. kids.org to get more questions, answered and find a program in your area in the year. 2021, there were over a hundred and fourteen thousand Children and Youth waiting to be adopted um, risk aging out of the system without permanent family connections.

39:06
And the average time that they spent in foster care waiting for adoption was 34 months, thirty four months without a place to call home.

And these children range in age.

From infant all the way up to adult and if posture Care and Adoption isn’t the path for you.

39:29
There are other ways that you can help support these children.

Reach out to your local organization and just ask what you can do to help.